Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
