Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
