I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Found the puke drawer
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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