HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
