I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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