You're so nebulous sometimes
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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