and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
