Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
