if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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