Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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