Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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