Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
