The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Randomize
