Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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