Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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