So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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