I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
