Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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