I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
