I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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