420 ftw
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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