he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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