i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
