He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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