when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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