I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
