my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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