Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
