last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
