It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
