vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
