I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
