I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
