walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
well you can't waste a boner
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
