I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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