U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
