Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
