so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
