made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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