so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
