rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
