we're chasing vodka with high fives
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
