You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
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