God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
third nipple confirmed
If I die, sorry about rent.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
