I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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