I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
