Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm sobbing to NWA
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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