Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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