i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
