I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
