So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
