so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
